Patent Pretending

It's Just Food

2008-04-24T14:05:00.002-04:00

Here's a new fast-food concept.

You're pathetic and you're eating burgers in your car again, across the street from your ex-girlfriend's house. You may as well eat a bunch of them, stop by the strip joint on the way home cos she's spending the night with some other dude, pay the rest of the money you have on a lapdance, and try not to get a DUI.

Don't be sorry. Be sated.

The Ennuii Gaming System

2008-03-14T12:01:00.003-04:00

It has come to PP's attention that even adults are jumping on the "electric games" bandwagon. But so many games are geared toward our wee imitators in this enterprise we call life. Unlike our tiny spawn, we don't have the luxury of living in a world where we can murder anyone we like with no consequences. So we've developed a more realistic gaming system geared toward grownups: the Ennuii, which brings you face-to-face with the emptiness of meaning inherent to adult existence.

Just grow up and accept that life isn't going to get more interesting than this.

It's Womyn's Hysterectomy Month! Let's Celibate!

2008-03-14T12:00:00.005-04:00

As you may know, it's Women's Hysterectomy Month. In honor of this august (I know, it's March! LOL) time of year, Patent Pretending has developed the EnergyStar Hysteremoval System. If you're suffering from hysteria--whether it's due to wet womb, dry womb, or, heaven forfend, wandering womb--we've got the final solution. And unlike incense, it's gentle on the environment! So listen all you kooky bitches, just chillaxxx already and quit driving those lemons.

When you're less woman, you're a little more fun.

Window Waxers

2007-10-23T11:13:00.004-04:00

Got fur? Come to our salon, where we take care of your depilatory needs right in the display window! Good publicity for us, good character-building for you!

Specialties include

* The Gaza Strip

* Heart-Shaved Box
* You're in Stubble

Window Waxers: Making the Pubic Public!

Total/Zen: A Comprehensive Framework for Lifestyle Enhancement

2007-10-15T10:46:00.001-04:00

Visualize a Total/Zen experience. Embrace the totality of your potential!

Sculpture, Pt. 3: The Backlash

2007-10-15T09:53:00.001-04:00

Sculpture is such a success that we've been bracing ourselves for the backlash. And boy, did the backlash come. Vicious rumors are abounding:

* Jerry Seinfeld: "Sculpture is the new Houlihan's, except you can't get the best goddamned key lime pie in all of New York City there!"

* Jocelyn Wildenstein: "I do hear that Sculpture's coffee is damned good, but I also hear that they're using the same goddamned bean that Houlihan's uses!"

* Henny Youngman: "Get thee to Houlihan's for a nice cup o' joe, New York City style, and let the goddamned yuppies line up at Sculpture!"

* Cindy Adams: "I hear Sculpture gives each drink a different name and price and makes customers mold their bodies into the Thinker or the David to order them, but gives them the same goddamned plain ol' cup o'joe each time!"

* A tour guide: "Welcome to the core of the Big Apple, tourons! The first thing you'll see as you walk through the Port Authority bus terminal is supposed hotspot Sculpture, known for its goddamned overpriced coffee! Did I say that? Well, maybe I just did! Take a tip from a native and walk a few blocks down 8th Avenue to Pennsylvania Station and the hippest joint in town--Houlihan's! One sip of their joe and you'll be hooked on this damned bean for life!"

* Frank Bruni: "The Big Apple is known for many things, but most especially a goddamned fine cup o' java!! Bypass tourist trap Sculpture--do not collect $200!!!--and instead sample the goddamned delicious bean at NYC's venerable institution Houlihan's!"

* Sufjan Stevens: "Sculpture is such a tourist trap! That’s where Britney Spears goes. I prefer to hold court with the Fiery Furnaces et alia over some damned fine 'wake-mud' at Houlihan’s: The Original!"

We'd like to call "Foul" and debunk these rumors right now!

Sculpture, Pt. 2: The Next Hub of Grub?

2007-10-14T23:19:00.001-04:00

Did you know that coffee and its snack-like accouterments played an enormous role in the rise of punk music? In fact, some experts think grub-rock is a more accurate label for the music of this excitingly dynamic era than the more commonly used term protopunk.

Here are some excerpts from Legs McNeil's new book, Get Your Houlihans Offa Me: An Oral History of Decadence and Coffee:

"The place where everyone went in New York in the 70s was Houlihan's. Sure, at Max's or the Factory you could get free drugs and sex, but at Houlihan's you could get the finest goddamned coffee in the city. That was New York to me. That was the inspiration for 'Walk on the Wild Side' too, you know. And that album Berlin."
--Lou Reed

"Patti Smith was all over Silver Diner, I hear. Now THEY know how to brew a fine jug of jolt-juice. In fact, she loved diner food so much that the original title for Horses was actually Hamburgers!!"
--Tom Verlaine

But the real pioneers of grub-rock were the Rolling Stones, who of course wrote "Ruby Tuesday" about a famously louche Carnaby Street rat's nest known for pop-inspired, candy-striped tablecloths. Sadly, Ruby Tuesday isn't what it once was. To carry on the fine tradition, we're hoping the bohemian atmosphere, uncompromising standards, and, well, damned fine bean that Sculpture offers will make it the new "hub of grub"!

Fur Real: Exclusive Spa, Cafe, and Furrier

2007-10-14T22:08:00.001-04:00

Transcend mere luxury. We pamper the creature of your choice into pleasure and pliancy before gently extracting its musk and life force, which we then use to pamper you.

We offer a full menu of fleshly delights: food, fur, and physique enhancement. Put your weekend in our hands and you will enjoy

* Delicious meals made from the husk of your chosen creature. Savor chinchili, mink mignon, and sausage lynx while you enjoy our full-body spa treatments based on products derived from your chosen creature's authentic physique!

* A vial of precious scent derived from your chosen creature's exclusive musk glands.

* Luxury body treatments, such as our famous ichor bath and tallow wallow.

* A fabulously luxurious fur cape, stole, muff, jacket--the cut is your choice!! (Prices vary.)

Luxuriate in our meat retreat and "lettuce" (haha, we only bring out the lettuce to feed your chosen creature!) take care of the rest.

Fur Real: "We make your stole for a steal. And we feed you in the bargain!"

Sculpture, Pt. 1: The Rise

2007-10-14T17:39:00.000-04:00

We have a question for you: Why can't you get a good cup o' joe in New York City anymore?

We have an answer for you: Because standards of coffee manufacturing have fallen disgracefully.

We know what you're thinking--are the Patent Pretenders creating yet another concept restaurant?

Yes, we are. Introducing Sculpture: A Distinctly Unsloppy Joe.

At Sculpture, we call our baristas Chisels, and our gourmet shop next door is called The Kiln. You see, we take our products seriously. We handcraft every cup, as well as the coffee that goes in the cup.

In turn, you have to do a little work for your cup of hot steamin' brown lightnin'.

After crawling through an intricate sculpture to get inside the cafe, you order your coffee drink. The catch? You must mold your body into the shape of the specific sculpture the drink is named after! Our Chisels will not understand if you just ask for "the Thinker" or "that one by Henry Moore."

Then the real fun starts! After you place your order, our Rube Goldberg-esque coffee machine goes into action, for your viewing pleasure! Quality takes time, so please allow the apparatus fifteen minutes to make your drink.

The final step? Relax on one of our marble-and-granite sculptural armchairs and just savor your Beanis of Willendorf.

Brats Dolls

2007-10-14T14:11:00.003-04:00

We think those skanky Bratz dolls are terrible role models for our little girls and boys. So we came up with a wholesome alternative in Brats dolls: genuine molded fiberglass sausages dressed in cute but modest outfits!! These also come in a gourmet (perishable) format. When you're tired of your Brat, just cannibalize her and get a new one!

Fart Calls 'n' Such

2007-10-14T14:03:00.000-04:00

You know about duck calls, right? Indispensable to hunters of fowl. Well, once you get your fart call, you'll wonder how you survived without it! Once everyone owns one of these nifty little gadgets, no one will be embarrassed by public gassing (We're not counting those politicrits, though they have no shame either!!). The frequent and random use of the fart call will effectively disguise genuine farts! No one will know what's real and what's counterfeit. When you emit the occasional authentic parf or blat, you can just put the fart call to your lips and then guffaw it off. We also think you'll appreciate the cheeky design of this handcrafted wooden beauty.

We haven't yet come up with a way to disguise effluvia, but we're working on it.

You're on your own with sharts.

Activist/Revolutionary Toiletries

2007-10-14T11:24:00.001-04:00

Hey, isn't it nice to feel good about yourself while making yourself feel good? How cool to have the satisfying knowledge that you are bestowing kudoi on people who have worked to change the world so you don't have to! Our activist/revolutionary line of toiletries gives you a warm glow, inside and out! You may have to lift a finger--but not much else!

Try our

* Gloria Style 'Em Hair Gel.
* Shea Guava-Rah! Hand Cream.
* Lenin Verbena Shower Gel.
* Harriet Scrubman Exfoliant.
* Talcum X.
* Martin Loofah King.

Home Cooking

2007-10-14T11:23:00.003-04:00

Rock 'n' Roll Cafe has been so successful that we've been thinking of opening another concept restaurant. This one will be called Home Cooking and will feature the Real Thing--i.e., each dish is based on a piece of furniture or an architectural element. Some might accuse us of being too literal-minded, but we think it will make for a unique sense of gemutlichkeit! Imagine eating Sysco-quality food outside your home that nevertheless reminds of you of home!

Home Cooking is still in the planning stages, but here are a few of our ideas:

* Chicken Bunk Bed. Two chicken breast halves stacked, firmly held in place with skewers. We're thinking the blanket will be melted cheese. Any ideas for the pillows or ladder rungs?

* Hot Beef Banister. We just like the sound of this one.

* Lobster Newel Post. This is a play on Lobster Newburg. The challenge is molding the dish to the shape of a newel post, but we think it can be done.

Rock 'n' Roll Cafe

2007-10-14T11:20:00.000-04:00

We've always thought the Hard Rock Cafe was lame because they don't make any attempt to integrate rock music into their cuisine; there's a total disconnect between the menu and Bono's flying V stapled onto the wall.** The Rock 'n' Roll Cafe is different. Here, you'll be able to tuck into delicious meals named after your favorite musical luminaries. We will not have memorabilia, though. That's for sissies.

You'll be so stuffed, you'll need Vaselines to get you out of your chair! That's a guarantee!

The Menu

Breakfast (Remember to Save the Box Tops!)
Eggs
Bread and the Jam
Porn Flakes with Neutral Milk Hotel

Starters (Nothing Comes from a Can!)
Fried String Cheese Incident Styx
Fresh-Shucked Blue Oysters Cult
Red Hot Chili Poppers
Wings
Superchunky Turtles/Tortoise Soup

Mains (Don't Call Us Meat Industry Puppets!)
Meat Loaf
The Flying Burrito Brothers' Famous Chicken Enchiladas
Braised Captain Beefheart
Laura Gyro
Hot Tuna
Rancid Phish
Minutemen Steak (watch out for the Throbbing Gristle!)
Super Furry Animals Mixed Grill (including Ratt, Skinny Puppy, and Stray Cats! JK. ;)

Kidz Only! (Find Your Inner Jane Child!)
Peanut Butter Conspiracy and Green Jelly Sandwich
Fleetwood Mac 'n' Cheese
Chicken Tenders Fury

Vegetables (For All You Thin Lizzys!)
Ultimate Spinach
Korn
Smashing Pumpkin
Britney Asparagus Spears

Desserts (Try a Lovin' Spoonful of Humble Pie!)
Vanilla Fudge Sundays
Stiff Little Badfinger Ladyfingers
Boston Cream Pie
Raspberries and Strawbs
Soft Machine Serve
Bob Jell-O Mould
Electric Prunes Whip w/ Stewed Silver Apples
Enjoy complimentary Nico wafers from the 1910 Fruitgum Company, stolen by the Jelly Bean Bandits from the Lollipop Shoppe!

Beverages (Many Gallons Drunk!)
Hot Chocolate
Moby Grape Juice
Orange Juice (with Pulp or not)
Pere Ubu Nektar
Iggy Pop
Big Black Coffee with Cream and Sugar (yes, we have Sugarcubes!)
10cc (People have asked for clarification. This is like a White Russian in shot form.)

Special Notes
* If you're hungry for mass quantities of mediocre food, try our All-You-Can-Eat Jimmy Buffett!
* Be sure to try our daily Specials!
* No Replacements, please.
* Ask about our Birthday Party Rentals!
* No talking on Soft Cell phones, please!
* We must ask our customers to cease their dumpster-diving. There are a lot of Germs in the Garbage, and a child recently caught Anthrax from gnawing on a Poison Fishbone.

**No, pathetic tie-ins like Joe Perry's "Rock Your World" Quesadilla or chicken wings with Heavy Metal sauce don't count! And just think, the HRC totally threw away the opportunity to describe their dumb cheesecake's graham cracker crust as Graham Parker crust.

Tattoo Corner: Tramp Stamp Diaper

2007-10-14T11:07:00.000-04:00

Babytats are the next logical frontier of body decor, right!? Sadly, 'fants (viz. nonobservant solipsists) generally have no idea what tattoos even ARE, and all but the most talented phonics prodigies (I'm looking at you, Colin) would have no idea how to vocalize the design they want. So we came up with a viable alternative: a tramp stamp diaper that will look adorable swathed around your iddle cutie's glutinous glutes!